Structural Forces that Shape us

April 14

Dear Diary,

I was raised by my Asian mother. My father is White but I never knew him as he left us before I was born. Instead of being a product of love, I often felt like I was a fetish baby. Being Hapa (half asian and half white) was difficult as I never really felt I fit anywhere. Being bombarded with images of white idols, movie stars and musicians on TV and the big screen, I too of course wanted to claim my White side more. So while my mom pushed Asian values on me of studying, doing good at school and generally not having a life, I also rebelled by bleaching my hair blonde, wore “American” clothes, avoided eating Asian food or participating in Asian customs in public, and eventually dated exclusively White guys. But because of my Asian traits, I was seen as a perpetual foreigner. Never White enough to be White, always seen as the Asian girl (I guess it’s the one drop rule). Now I just refer to myself as Asian American, but even so I was labeled White washed and race traitor by my Asian peers.

Hapa man Elliot Rodger documented similar experience in his manifesto, “My Twisted World” where he talks about how being mixed race made it so he was ‘different from normal fully white kids.” He too was very socialized by the idea of white superiority and in fact became hateful when he had dating problems because of he felt that his mix heritage disadvantaged him. He specifically referred to minorities as inferiors and put White people on a pedestal. He would go online to criticize minorities who tried to marry White, a feat he felt would be unachievable by minorities. eventually his hatred boiled and he went on a killing spree, killing 6 and injuring 14 partly because of his contempt for racial minorities and interracial couples.

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Likewise, Thomas Wagoner, half Asian/half White man, also lived a life where he experienced that Asians were communicated as inferior. He experienced bullying and racial discrimination growing up to the point where he committed suicide.

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While self hate is the prevalent theme, these larger external social factors shape us in different ways and being from a mixed family it is particularly influential because you see part of both sides. I imagine the testosterone and socialization of male aggression likely made the above two examples more violent.

For many Asian guys who have had to face this truth, some have opted to become cucks to their Asian wives so the wives can be with white men, while others wallow in self hate, realizing they will never be good enough. This often leads to mental health problems, such as severe feelings of depression or worse.

For me, and many girls like me, we end up trying to look more White, be more Americanized and shed our ethnic culture and do anything to be closer to white society and part of that was being closer to white men. In order to do that, we often have to do what makes them happy in order to receive some attention from them (otherwise they would just be with their White girlfriends). So we end up going the extra mile to please them.

In my experience, that resulted in me letting them use me as they wanted. Slap me, rough me up, abuse me, cum on me, choke me, etc. Contrary to much misconception, it wasn’t any of the task that I particularly liked, but rather the fact I got to be with them, and hope that after I did all this for them, they would want to keep me around long term.

I wanted to make them happy and if me doing that stuff made them happy I would do it to make them stay – but instead I found often they did everything they wanted to do, they often had no more use for me. I was a novelty checklist and they just checked the box that they did it.  😦

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Some of my Asian guy friends say as Asian girls we have it luckier, because even if we feel the same forces of inferiority, at least we are more desirable sexually than them. I don’t doubt that’s true, but I would say, that’s kind of where it stops. We are often treated as sex toys and not legit relationship material. In my experience, the White guys I been with did not want to commit to a long term relationship that would lead to marriage. Many did not want to have mixed kids. I was talking to @idk-its-just-porn on here and after reading about the psychological trauma associated with identity issues of mixed Asian/White kids, he also admitted he was hesitant about marrying an Asian woman. That’s not an unusual response either. It’s okay, I get it. As the Asian Community Forum said I’m “deeply disturbed” and pretty fucked up in the head. Why would someone like him want a child who might grow up to be someone like me or worse?

More on the topic if you are interested: http://forum.asiansoul.org/topic/341/warning-to-asians-in-interracial-relationships-about-your-hapa-children

 

3 thoughts on “Structural Forces that Shape us

  1. I find it amazing that in 2017 there are many males, white males, who reject the idea of having beautiful mixed children. Sure there are challenges faced by some but life is full of challenges and the pros far far far outweigh the cons…there are simply no cons. Share your awesome kids with the world! The planet needs more great people who see past the BS of mixed race and race in general. 1950 called and it wants its racism back.

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  2. My gf is torn between both worlds and cannot please either “side”. She tries so hard to try to fit in that she becomes a submissive pleaser that in the end makes her fell empty, unwanted and depressed. We live but one life and it is totally heartbreaking to see her try her damnest to please everyone, be accepted and loved and too all those efforts rejected outright by both parties. I don’t know what the answer is as much as i try to support her and keep her going

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  3. Ross,

    I think what your gf is experiencing is very common in our community unfortunately and related to what i wrote about in my original post. One aspect is the rejection of wanting mixed kids, but the other is the internalization of that unwantedness by the larger society. In fact, in my initial post, see https://asianamericangfonskype.wordpress.com/2017/03/05/self-hatred/, I talk about the White normalization that heavily influences our sense of self, identity, actions and desires.

    The fact that you love your gf and support her is a lot of help already. Many don’t even have that.

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