I was recently asked why do I write my e-diary, what is the purpose of it. I hope this post will explain.
I initially started out wanting to discuss the issues I faced as an Asian American in the Asian American Community Forums but was dismissed and silenced for my perspective (even though many others like me share my way of thinking). See https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/158203005196/original-post-no-love-from-my-own-community . This resulted in me having twitter beef with several other Asian girls, (see here: https://asianamericangfonskype.wordpress.com/2017/03/30/twitter-beef-against-other-asians/ ). Instead of participating in Asian discussion forums, i started out writing a WordPress blog (https://asianamericangfonskype.wordpress.com/). Eventually a white mentor of mine introduced me to the Tumblr community, who he felt would be interested in my voice and perspective (see https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/158200012946/original-post-social-justice-warrior-turned-asian).
I will elaborate though as I believe it deserves more depth in response. My perspective is very much grounded in a hermeneutical approach view “race” as a social construction, with political and economic forces affecting its reality to the masses. What does it mean to be Asian in American society, is deeply linked with how the media, politics and economy defines it.
My goal is to reach people like me and let them know that they are not crazy – or at least if they are – they are among a company of many others. That their viewpoint is shared by many others. I want to create a community for people like us and let them know it’s okay to feel the way they do. I don’t advocate for it (not trying to get people to think like me) or against it (not trying to get people to think differently either), but I understand it. I think of it like what the X-men Mansion is for mutants, a school of acceptance of who you are, without being shunned as a self hater or race traitor as I was shunned when I tried to talk about these deeply personal issues with the Asian American online community.
Being mixed and growing up in America meant that race has been a big part of my entire life, my race and contextual environment impacted me deeply ( and something that shaped my views and actions almost constantly (https://asianamericangfonskype.wordpress.com/2017/03/05/self-hatred/; https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/159766525141/original-post-white-washed-asians; https://asianamericangfonskype.wordpress.com/2017/04/14/structural-forces-that-shape-us/; https://asianamericangfonskype.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/am-i-a-race-traitor/).
So some ask me if you can identify your issues, why not fix them? I think that’s easier said than done. If we could all fix our own problems, nobody would need a therapist! But I’m trying. I made strides towards making myself a happier person. I by no means say I am perfect, I am imperfect like all people and I can only do my best to balance the struggles. I document them in my diary and make them public in hopes others like me can avoid the feelings of isolation I used to.
To reiterate, while I recognize the social injustices and White normalizing factors of society that shaped my views and experiences, this blog is not meant to fix the situation. I honestly don’t know how I could or even if its realistic. This day and age, race relations seem to be getting worse. “Go back to your country” is becoming part of some people’s everyday vocabulary. While laws exist to prevent discrimination based on things like race, it still happens all the time. In fact, people have become even more embolden in their racist view points. Recent lack of desire to cast Asian main leads in shows/films like Iron Fist, Great Wall and Ghost in the Shell despite their highly Asian context further reinforces the cultural influence of “White is Right” or desirable to minority youth – which has an impact on their self esteem and what they will grow to see as attractive or “normal” in life. My story exactly.
Many have even reached out to me and shared with me similar stories and perspectives as mine. Some of them literally told me I’m telling their life story. I’m glad for the people I have been able to help and those that I have touched. We have had really deep and meaningful discussions and those who have allowed me to share them, I have (see https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/159344018126/conversation-with-an-asian-male-fan; https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/160179324566/black-male-relates-to-my-views-and-experiences; https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/159838183626/meaningful-dialogue-with-a-reader-he-gets-it; https://azngrl4whitegods.tumblr.com/post/159843955566/although-not-asian-reader-still-touched-and-can). These in-depth meaningful conversations are the ones I like to have and the reason I created my blog in the first place. But lately, I have been wondering if this forum is not the best forum for that. I have been talking to Tom and @dj281htx about possibly moving to a different platform and perhaps leaving tumblr. Nothing is set in stone yet. But just some thoughts. I want to maximize my chances for reaching the people I need to reach.