The Road to Redemption is Paved with Good Intentions

Dear Diary,

The last couple days has been an interesting one. I decided to take up “Bumble” offer of support. All I ever wanted was to have a community to share my views with, a support group for the issues I struggle with and perhaps an opportunity to share my story as a cautionary tale for Asian women who think like I do/did. I have been thinking lately of more fully embracing my Asian side and try to live a healthier life. Bumble Bee suggested I change my reddit name because it was offensive and so I did that, my name name is AznAmericangfonskype – a name he suggested, based on my diary name I believe. He also suggested I unfollow GayLubeOil, apparently a “well known racist/sexist on theRedPill”- I had no idea who he was but I unfollowed him.

I stopped advertising my blog on reddit as he suggested (I didn’t know this was unacceptable or frowned upon, when i was introduced to reddit, my friend told me I could use it as a platform to let my voice be heard and so naturally I thought sharing my diary would help with that). I also started writing longer more substantive posts rather than directly linking to my blog after a brief sentence because I didn’t want to retype everything. It was more trying to be efficient on my end but I guess it rubbed people the wrong way.

He also suggested that I start watching more Asian media and stop watching things like Marvel. I told him I loved Anime already so that wasn’t a problem and I tried to tell him that yes while Marvel does often promote White normality, there is at least one show that has some predominant Asian characters in it. I will write more about this in the future.

He also mentioned some other rules and advices and I am doing my best to follow them but there is a lot of nuance that I still don’t understand. For instance, he said he didn’t expect me to post so early directly onto the subreddits, but I thought the whole point was to have my voice heard? He said the style I write will make people think I’m not genuine so it is better if I lurk for the time being and just answer comments first. Unfortunately I made my first major post before he made that advice. Oops.

I created my first post under my new reddit name (see https://www.reddit.com/r/hapas/comments/69pj8s/structural_forces_that_shape_us/) and the reaction has been mixed. As expected there are some people who just labeled me as a White troll as soon as they found out my former reddit name. I kind of expected some of this, I knew my views would not be popular and that my past carries a lot of baggage. I didn’t make the best choices and like a Scarlett Letter I have been branded by it.

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I feel like an ex-con coming out of jail for the first time and people are giving me suspicious looks because they don’t trust that I won’t commit a crime on them.I just hope in time, my past mistakes are forgiven as throughout the process I never meant harm and never intentionally meant to hurt anyone. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m just trying to grow from them.

But surprisingly the name calling wasn’t just about me or because they don’t like my views and wanted to silence me like I initially thought but I think it’s actually worse than that. My observation is that there seems to be a lot of tension in the subreddit, not just towards me, but between some other community members also. It seems like people just toss around the word “troll” and accuse others of being “White” at a drop of a hat. I do wonder at what point does this witch hunt become counterproductive? And does it become an excuse to silence the voice of those the accusers doesn’t agree with or maybe even dislike? I actually saw one user (user A) question if another user (User B) was a White Troll merely because the user (User A) suggested that another user’s (User C’s) bitterness and hatred was unproductive and that he should consider a more peaceful manner of communication. From what I understand, the subreddit was often attacked by people in the past so there has been a legacy of mistrust that has been built. I was also told that many of the users have become consumed with hatred and suspicion that it has become very hard to find solitary and that the raging occurs often, even before  my arrival.

Besides name calling, some said I should never have kids and others said I’m “twisted” but it’s okay, there were a handful of people who were open to my comments and genuinely seemed to care. Some of them resonated with my experiences and even stood up for me. Hopefully there are more people like that.

I was also told that earning trust and respect is not going to be fast and that I will have to persist with the subbreddits to let people know I am truly not just trolling. So I will do that, I will keep trying and keep my head down. I just hope this all pans out and I am embraced by the community and finally find a home where I can share my voice and perhaps help others whose shoes I have walked in.

Maybe I’ll find an Asian mentor who can guide me into better self acceptance and less self- hate and maybe I can end up a positive force for the Asian community. From the “white-washed self hating” Asian girl to the “woke” Asian girl who goes around helping others awaken too. That would be pretty cool 🙂

3 thoughts on “The Road to Redemption is Paved with Good Intentions

  1. Beautifully written. You’re a halfie right? In my opinion, it will be far easier for fellow mixed people to understand, maybe you have to become the mentor you’ve wanted? Personally, I never ethnically categorise myself as one or the other…because I’m both, and being both is pretty awesome. More importantly, that is what I am :). Keep writing!

    Like

    • Thank you, I have reached out to the hapa community. There have been handful of people who are more willing to listen, but there is also a lot of hatred towards me. There are entire webpages that are built on assassinating my character. Even when I tried to extend the Olive branch. We’ll see what happens. I’m trying to make better connects. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi, I lurk in asian sub reddits and do find those asian sub reddits aznidentiity, easternrisingsun, an hapa always bash white men an asian women. Hapa doesn’t like white men and asian female. AznIdentity and EasternRising Sun doesn’t support interracial dating. I understand you. I think what you need is the right asian sub to be involved with. I would suggest you to hang out in r/asiantwox, r/asianamerican, and r/asianfeminism sub reddit. Those girls in those sub reddits also get backlash for dating white guys. I think you just need to find the right sub. You can share your experience of dating white guys such as this post. Don’t give up hope. You just need to find the right asian reddit.

    I think you will like this sub https://www.reddit.com/r/asiantwoX/

    Best wishes!

    Like

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