Self-Hate Amplified – Making of Enemies out of Potential Allies?

Dear Diary,

I have discussed the issue of “self-hate” earlier in my diary (see, and in that piece I talk about how people like myself, who are socialized, affected and influenced by Eurocentric standards of beauty get labeled as “self haters” when we start preferential White men and amplifying our Whiter traits (I’m half White/Asian but that’s a whole another can of worms). But after my experience with many (not all) members of the online Asian community and just my general experiences with the topic, I think there is actually a larger secondary level of self-hate going on, mostly towards Asian women.

In my diary, I’ve talked a lot about my experiences and how I sought support and was rejected so I sought it elsewhere, but unfortunately my experience with the bashing and criticism is not isolated.

Constance Wu is an Asian American actress who speaks out for Asian rights and lack of representation in the media (for example, she publicly criticized the Great Wall – starring the Matt Damon who is depicting as dashing White hero in Asia), she herself is doing her part in increasing that Asian presence, but because she is dating/dated a White man, suddenly all her thoughts are discounted and all of her efforts are ignored?


In fact, her own Asian community begins to become hateful and write derogatory messages to her, attempting to drag her name through the gutter. Here is an example of such hate: Screen-Shot-2016-08-22-at-1.13.57-PM

Asian Activist blogger Erin Chew suffered some of the same criticism when she wrote about “Why some Asian Men Constantly Criticise Asian Women Online” (see Even though she writes for the blog site that removed my work, I have to give merit where merit is due. She makes a good point and I resonate with a lot of it, I guess that’s why I initially thought YOYOMF would be a good home for my views. In the piece she makes it clear that its an opinion piece based on her experiences and perceptions… like my diary! She talks about being on the back end of receiving attacks from her own Asian community, being called all kinds of derogatory names and how much wasted effort it is that the Asian community are targeting people like her and Constance Wu. But of course what happens when Erin talks about these issues, she’s hated on, made fun of, attacked and talked crap about behind her back and “unfriended” by her own community of Asians. This issue became so problematic she has a term for it – Asian Male Toxic Masculinity ( The sad part is just like Constance, Erin Wu supports Asian representation on media to change the dominant social structures that shape our views (

As I mentioned before, I initially started out trying to seek help from the online Asian community for support, but when I did not receive such support, and the only one that would offer me some substantive help was a White Man named Tom, I took it. He introduced me to Tumblr ( and shaped my views. I often get criticized for working with Tom and listening to him, but nobody else had wanted to support me the way he did. When I realized Tumblr wasn’t for me, because the emphasis on sex overshadowed my message, I sought to leave and once again reach out to the Asian online community. Tom warned me they would not accept me but I was too naive to realize. The whole time I tried to get back in the “good graces” of the Asian online community, it was just endless in fighting – between me and other Asian members, between Asian members within the community, etc. I want to be clear not everyone was hostile, there were some Asians that were supportive but their voices were often drowned out by the public hatred and fighting that most of them did not even dare speak their support in public.


So much wasted effort, trying to villianize me and for what purpose? Because I tried to share my story in the supposed “safe space” or because I am trying to create a support group for people like myself so we can talk through our issues? People point to my Tumblr or the porn pics I reblogged under the advice of my mentor Tom, but remember that the first time I reached out, there was no Tumblr, there were no porn pics, there was just me and my diary.

Like Erin Chew and Constance Wu, my constant message has been that media heavily socialized me, which aligns with their view on the need for increased Asian representation. Instead of loading up their ammo and hatred towards us, why don’t the Asian SJW community fight the real enemy? Those that create the structures that make us feel less than others? Why don’t they consider allying with us so we can work together to change things so people don’t have to feel inferior? Where they can be proud of who they are and shape the cultural view of Asians in a more positive light.

All the infighting was ridiculous and literally the whole time Tom is laughing at us. The paranoia and self hate bred so much infighting that I finally gave up and just walked away. Tom told me this was a making of a super villain story, I’m hoping that’s not true but I could see it.

When Asians are influenced by the social norms and they feel to fit in they have to assimilate and “white wash” themselves, there is no place to go to talk about these issues. When they bring it up or even look like they are trying to “Americanize” themselves, they receive the same hatred and vitriol that Erin Chew, Constance Wu and myself received. How much of that can someone take before they turn to hating their “own.” To me, that explains why you have Asian girls who go from liking White guys to HATING Asians (those two are not synonymous, but they can become so when all she feels is hate from her “own”). Then you start to see things like this:


When we suffer from inferiority, self esteem or insecurity issues, instead of lending a helping hand we are forced to fight and fight and fight against our “own” community. Of course, when a third party comes to lend a helping hand, it makes it easier – especially in our vulnerable state. If the situation has become war, alliances must be made. Often these alliances amplifies animosity for us because they may come from the very people that we were told are the enemy. I know that the vulnerability opens us up to be taken advantage of, but I also know that when nobody is willing to publicly support you, then we are willing to risk that chance. All of that could have been avoided in an ideal world. I am working with some people to create a community so that those who are lost and feel isolated can rely on others for social support. Something I needed but couldn’t find.



12 thoughts on “Self-Hate Amplified – Making of Enemies out of Potential Allies?

    • Im not familiar with the whole Constantine Wu drama. Who cares if she is dating an “average looking white guy” but at the same time she doesn’t want people to insult her culture by someone making a movie about Matt Damon being China’s white savior.


  1. Bumble here

    Nobody takes Constance Wu or Erin Chu seriously. Constance Wu having a white boyfriend is hypocritical. It’s like Steve Jobs was promoting the Apple Iphone while he personally uses the Samsung Galaxy phone. Or a politician talking how great public school while he sends his son to private school. It is human nature to doubt these kind of people. Asian America had these female politicians married to white men in power for so long, in fact, it is only the Asian females who marry white men who gets promoted in the government. And guess what, these females didn’t benefit the community at all. How can one improve the Asian American community if she has to talk to her white husband first. Same logic applies to Constance Wu. She stated herself that she supports female representation more strongly than Asian representation. She doesn’t care about Asian American male representation, that’s why nobody takes her seriously, she is only trying to further her own career, like Jamie Chung who complain about a hapa taking her “spot”.

    Erin Chew is a gaslighter, period. She started off talking about Asian misogyny because her insulting Asian men makes Asian men angry enough to view her post on YOMYOMF. After a while, she just stated “0.01% of Asian men are misogynist” blah blah. She uses “alpha” and “beta” of wolves to compare Asian men, that in itself is laughable.

    The reason why you are stuck is because you refuse to give up your whitewashing habits. A lot of Asians saw what was happening, and they drop American Hollywood media. You still cling onto it, meaning you are still stuck on the past. Asian Americans aren’t obligated to help you, people who help you are doing it out of their goodwill. You can’t demand help. You said “that explains why you have Asian girls who go from liking White guys to HATING Asians”. From an Asian guy point of view, liking white guys is basically the same as hating asian guys. There is not difference. Plus females like Constance Wu aid white supremacy, action speaks louder than words. You can only criticize white people so much when you have a white boyfriend.

    Plus Asian community is about Asians. You want to bring talking about white male being on a pedestal to the community, so people see no point in having a conversation. Asian American men are more concern about the dating disparity.

    54% of Asian American females marry outside Asians in 2015. This means that the community is basically fucked. That is why people are focused on this more than what you are doing. Because it impacts peoples lives more than what you do. You complain about feeling “lost”. Guess what. A lot of Asian males don’t even get dates or girlfriends or sex or marriage. Your trouble is insignificant. Seriously, you can at least fuck and date and marry and pass your genes to your offspring. But Asian males are being sterilized like eunuchs in America. They are also “lost” and not getting intimacy which is one of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. So to them, you coming in demanding help is like a spoiled child who has more than they have demanding for more.

    You probably won’t find a community because a lot of whitewashed Asians don’t give a shit about Asian American community at all. Your audience is basically pretending to be white or trying their best to erase their Asianness. Your best bet is hapas, but they literally hate themselves. A lot of these kind of Asian females will try to swing back to Asian men when it comes to marriage, but Asian men don’t want females who try to manipulate them. That is why your audience is forced back into white society after rejecting Asian society. People tried to cheat and try to get the best of both worlds. You have options, we don’t. That is why our backs is against the wall. The only way Asian male can survive is to marry out, because it’s either that or dying alone. 27% of Asian American males are going to die alone, much worse than your problems.


    • Bumble, I see what you are saying about not expecting help and that nobody has an obligation to help me. I just thought it would be nice to have such a support system and I think that it would help smooth relations and some of the animosity I see between Asian Males and Females but as you said the Asian American online community have other issues they must tackle so if someone likes me wants such a community, we will have to create it ourselves. I actually did find a community of like minded people to support me, and it is run by a Hapa man. And our goal is not to talk about White males being on a pedestal, but rather for me, I want to see I can understand how someone would feel that way and that there should be support for someone who feels lost and struggling with their issues. I realized that the Asian subreddit communities was not my home now, but I wouldn’t have known if I didn’t try.


  2. Pingback: Social Support System for People Like Us | The Publication of the Private Diary of an Asian American Girl Growing up in America

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  4. “From an Asian guy point of view, liking white guys is basically the same as hating asian guys. There is not difference.” <— This is one of the most ridiculous sentences ever written.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: Bullying of Asian Women by Asian Toxic Male Masculinity | The Publication of the Private Diary of an Asian American Girl Growing up in America

  6. Pingback: Bullying of Asian Women by Asian Toxic Male Masculinity | Asian Aryanism

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